righting all my wrongs, writing my all wrongs.

Just like that, the realization hit me.

I am a codependent person.

The thought has been slowly creeping up on me for the past month or so, but now I know for sure. I have always strived to be an independent person, able to conquer anything on my own, no matter how much diversity I might face. When I am alone, when I separate myself from others, I believe I succeed at that; but the moment someone special, someone captivating steps into my life, I lose myself. Every. Single. Time. I am consumed by them. That person becomes the cardinal priority in my life. All my dreams, my feelings, my thoughts, my fears, my needs… They are almost always sacrificed for that person. I give, give, give and expend immeasurable amounts of energy on them. I love without limits, without conditions… I forgive faults, I see past the person’s flaws into their innermost places and find so much beauty there in their vulnerability, their oddities. I accept and embrace them wholeheartedly with little judgement. I find myself wanting to save those I love, whether it be from their past pain, a bad life situation, or simply a less than pleasant mood. I want to take away any bit of suffering they had/have. If I could make it so all the agony they go/have gone through mine, I would do it without a second thought. The sacrifices I make are so many that they can’t be counted. Maybe it’s the aching desire to be loved the way I love that compels me to do this. I really can’t come up with any other reason for why I would do this. The worst thing is that I am completely aware of it now. I know what I’m doing, yet I can’t seem to find a big enough reason to stop. I entertain the false hope that maybe if I keep loving with all I have, every fiber in my body, then I will succeed in inspiring someone to do the same for me, that maybe they will wake up to how much I have invested, that they’ll look at me one day and really see me, look upon my soul, and welcome it with open arms. I feel alone constantly. I feel like I see further and feel much, much more deeply than others. I want to change lives, I want to inspire those around me, I want to spread positivity, I want to be a shoulder for the times when someone needs it most. I want to be ‘that girl’ that completely makes someone realize they can do it, that there is always hope, that happiness can be right here, right now, if they’d let it, that love is worth it, that life is truly beautiful. But can that ever happen? Is it only an illusion?

All I an say now is that my work is cut out for me. The choice is mine.